Random Musings

Here I am. Still alive.

Today is the anniversary of the day I very nearly wasn’t. The day I’d chosen to leave this mortal coil because the darkness had finally overwhelmed me and I simply couldn’t keep going.

I was so very, very lost.

And this is why we celebrate the 16th of January every year as my re-birthday. It was the day I chose to leave, and the day I didn’t. At the time, my now wife asked me to see if we could make it beyond the darkness together. She respected where I was at, and to this day, she respects that the choice to stay or go is mine and mine alone. And she’s told me how much she appreciates that I make the decision to stay all the time.

Because I live with depression.

The chemical, brain-war, imposter syndrome, self-loathing variety that never goes away. That said, I have way more good days than bad now. I’m on a medication that really helps and I have people who love me and take me as I am. There’s no need to fake it, no need to put on a facade. And when it comes to mental health, there’s no overestimating how important that acceptance and stability is. I’ve also learned that not everything is about me: people can have all variety of emotions that have nothing at all to do with me–that’s a tough thing to understand when you’re convinced you’re the ruination of most everyone’s life around you. But the truth is…you’re not. I’m not. Life is a hell of a lot bigger than me, and I’m just a speck in it. And that doesn’t mean I don’t matter. Or that you don’t. What it means is that we don’t need to take it all on our shoulders. Let it slide right off. Easier said than done, yes, but also worth working toward.

I’m writing this because I’m not alone. I have many people in my orbit who live with depression too, and knowing you’re not alone in something can help you feel at least a little less isolated and maybe a little more understood. And as someone who hit the absolute bottom of the depression pit, I can say this with certainty: it will get better.

There will be good days. There is beauty. There is love. There are books. There’s good coffee. There are donuts. There are waterfalls. There are peacocks. There are comfy couches. There are long walks in forests. There are ruins and temples to explore. There are new foods to try. There are deep breaths of sea air to take into your lungs. There’s the ocean. There are rainbows. There are butterflies. There are morning hugs and nighttime kisses. There are bad jokes and worse puns. There is laughter.

And there is you. And you matter in ways you can’t possibly know. You may not believe it, but without you, the world would be a poorer, less interesting place. It’s true.

Maybe one day you’ll believe it. Maybe one day, I will too. Until then, drink it all in, one breath at a time, and keep moving forward.