Random Musings

Mind card: What makes you feel proud of yourself?

Ooof. This is way tougher than it should probably be. I can honestly say that for most of my life, I wasn’t proud of anything I did. I just…did it. I think when part of you lives in survival mode on a regular basis, you don’t take the time to pat yourself on the back. You just keep going.

So I’m going to look back a little before I focus on the present.

When I was getting my degree (something I should be proud of) I learned that if you presented papers at conferences, my Uni would pay your expenses: flight, hotel, conference fee. So I started applying to conferences in places I wanted to go, submitting papers mostly so I could see that place. I got to both New York and Hawaii that way, and I’m proud of my younger self for having the confidence to submit and present those papers while also taking the opportunity to travel.

(The amount of spelling mistakes I’m making is hilarious as I watch the waves crashing against the seawall outside instead of looking at the screen.)

I’m proud of myself for getting an MA in a difficult subject. I’m proud of myself for moving to a country where I didn’t know anyone other than my partner at the time. I’m proud of myself for hitting rock bottom and grasping the tiny sliver of light that kept me here.

I was going to write that I’m proud of myself for having written 16 books so far. But weirdly, that feels false. I’m not sure I’m proud of that. Like other things, it’s just something I do. Maybe. I need to ponder that one some more. I tell other writers they should be proud of themselves for getting even one book done. Why wouldn’t I tell myself that too? Hmm…

Today?

I’m proud of myself for getting up. Many, many days I’m in a stupid amount of pain. I’m exhausted to a bone level. I have to fight my own brain that tells me all kinds of terrible things. For the last few nights I’ve woken from sleep dizzy and nauseous. But I’m up. I’m typing. I’m thinking about the various things I want to learn and accomplish today. I know for a lot of people that’s just daily life, but for me… Well, today I choose to be proud of myself for moving forward.

What are you proud of yourself for?