Fading Away

Published by

Ponderer

April 12, 2020

I’m not alone in this, as I’ve come to realise from reading other friend’s writings, so I’m going to sigh my own thoughts into the open too, so you know you’re not alone if you feel this way.

I don’t want to be forgotten or left behind.

It’s that simple, really, but it took me a while to get there. I spoke to my wife about this meandering pontificating I was doing that wasn’t leading me anywhere, but I was trying to figure out why I was uneasy, why I felt off kilter and melancholy. (Aside from worldwide fear and despair.)

Side track: I got sick on March 15th, and today, April 12th, I’m almost back to normal, if a bit extra tired and still coughing slightly.

Back to my main point:

While I was sick, I couldn’t concentrate for love nor money. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, for the most part. And so no writing ensued. Some reading, some tv, lots of sleeping. But nothing creative.

And I’m now firmly strolling into a new area of existential angst. My last book came out in November 2019. I’m concentrating on a passion project right now, and so I don’t have another book scheduled with my publisher in the foreseeable future. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about being a writer, it’s that people can forget you quickly, even if they really like you. There are so many other books that are new, and definitely more recent than mine. And so I fade, and a reader might think, ‘who was that writer that wrote that thing…it was good but I can’t remember her name’. But when it comes time to suggest a title to a friend, it won’t be my name on their lips…it will be that book they read last week.

I don’t want to be forgotten, but paradoxically I can’t seem to find the desire to write, either. I assume this will pass, as will the pandemic, bad presidents, the kale craze, and jelly shoes. But it does have me wondering about the desire to be remembered, to have your name spoken by generations down the line. The ancient Greeks were obsessed with it, and I know writer friends are worried about it too. Is it just human, this need to say I was here? To leave your mark so you weren’t just a passing bunch of cellular material beneath a blazing star? That you did something?

I don’t have any answers, but it’s good to get the messy ruminations out.

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7 responses to “Fading Away”

Jeannie Levig

April 12, 2020

I definitely relate to what you’ve shared here. Everything you’ve voiced is exactly what I’ve been feeling for going on two years now. My last novel came out in December of 2018, and as you of all people know, I’ve been struggling to grab hold of the inclination and the ability to write since then. Yes, I’ve had a couple of erotic short stories published during that time that have gotten some mention, but in the reader groups on social media, my titles are no longer the ones being recommended and shared very often. It has terrified and discouraged me.

I’ve been able to do some other things as I trudge along on my current wip–things that at least get my name out there to remind readers that I’m still around–but the anxiety you spoke about is always present. I’ll be so glad when I do get my wip finished and sent off to BSB and you. 🙂 In the meantime, I’ll use the tools I have to help keep the fear and anxiety at bay, continue doing the side things like guest spots of podcasts, author interviews, Q&As in groups to do my best to keep mt name out there in some way, and write whenever I can get some words down

As for your question, I think it might be human nature to want to be remembered and to leave some kind of legacy. I know for me, when I think about it and reason it out, I have done that throughout my life in many ways, not only through my writing, but in my down moments, I tend to forget that. And I think that’s true for many people. We leave a legacy in everything we do–in how we leave people after an encounter, in what we offer people we meet on our journey through life, in any project big or small, in how we love and how we live. I have to be careful not to sell myself short in these other ways while I’m lamenting the things I wish I’d done differently or, in the case of writing right now, how I’ve fallen short in my critical mind. And on a higher level, I do know that I am always doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing in any given moment by doing what’s right in front of me, and sometimes that is watching a movie, taking a nap, letting my body heal from sickness, exploring something that I am learning from, and/or getting back to my wip and putting out as many words as I can at that time.

As someone very wise once said to me–“Be gentle with yourself. The thing about a publishing career is that it will always still be there when we come back to it.” And in case you’ve forgotten, the very wise person was you. 🙂

Reply
1. Admin
  
  April 16, 2020
  
  You’re right on, and I know you know exactly what I mean. And your books and writing are awesome.
  
  I think it’s easy to forget the myriad ways we touch people’s lives without thinking much about it, you’re right. And yeah, that was pretty wise… 😉😁
  
  Reply
Valden Bush

April 13, 2020

I am glad you are feeling a lot better. I don’t think you will ever fade away when you have readers like me! Not only do I love your books but you have an encouraging and supportive soul that has touched so many people, including me. You are in our hearts.
Go do your pleasure project and enjoy it.👌👏👏
We will all be here waiting when you feel the muse again 🤣

Reply
1. Admin
  
  April 16, 2020
  
  Aww, thank you. I love supporting writers like you. It makes it all worth it.
  
  Reply
Widdershins

April 14, 2020

It’s the ‘Immortality gene’ … we are essentially star-dust, which is the closest thing to immortal, so why wouldn’t that be encoded right into the very basics of who we are. 🙂

Reply
1. Admin
  
  April 16, 2020
  
  But the stars don’t feel the need to be remembered, do they? 🤔😉 Maybe if they were sentient they would…
  
  Reply
  1. Widdershins
    
    April 17, 2020
    
    Hmm … how do we know they’re not! 🙂